The obscure, the weird, the terrible, and the awesomely bad.
Above the Law: Part one of Steven Seagal Month looks at his debut as a Sicilian cop who's out for justice in this semi-remake of Billy Jack, featuring the gay cowboy from MEGAFORCE. What a fine legacy.
Billy Jack: Cracker-ass Tom Laughlin plays a Hapkido high-kicking Injun half-breed who uses all fourteen senses to save the day for peace, love, and really annoying self-indulgent preaching.
The Box: Richard Kelly delivers a needlessly complex, poorly written and directed, hopelessly nonsensical piece of shit. What a surprise.
The Cave: "akin to Scooby Doo, only with an old chap in place of the dog", this movie finds some spelunkers getting eaten by monsters while mapping an old cave. Thrill.
Dream Lover: Kristy McNichol does absolutely nothing for two hours.
eXpelled: No Intelligence Allowed: You have to win Ben Stein's money, but he's just giving his dignity away in this, the Worst Film of 2008!
Funny Games US: AUDIO Michael Haneke's remake of his own ode to broken eggs and designer sweater-vests is as tedious as it is pretentious, which is to say "extremely".
Ghosts Can't Do It: Bo Derek goes on a worldwide hunt for a hunky corpse to rape in this final collaboration with her inept filmmaker husband, John.
Hard to Kill: Part Two of Steven Seagal month finds our hero awaking from a coma to take on the Grim Reaper from Bill and Ted. Yes, really.
The Hitcher: AUDIO To quote the Sheriff: "Fuckity fuckity fuck!" This movie SUCKS.
Johnny Mnemonic: The whole premise here is that Keanu Reeves has too much information in his head. Yeah, OK.
Marked for Death: Part Three of Steven Seagal month finds our increasingly doughy hero taking on a Jamaican voodoo priest/drug lord in one of the most Godawful pieces of shit I've yet reviewed.
MEGAFORCE: A BeeGees impersonator takes on a gay cowboy in a war of leotards and zippo lighters with absolutely nothing on the line.
Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn: Entry number one in Post-Apocalypse month crosses over into the third dimension with this Godawful 3-D sci-fi epic about some guy driving around looking to kill an Ivan Ooze look-alike.
On Deadly Ground: Steven Seagal dooms himself to failure with his first directorial effort, a paranoid and ludicrous environmental thriller, in the thrilling conclusion to Seagal Month~!
Out for Justice: Part Four of Steven Seagal month finds our hero tracking down a suicidal, homicidal crack head. No, not Sabu from ECW.
Rob Zombie's Halloween: AUDIO If you're afraid of white trash or the word "fuck", this is the movie for you!
Rob Zombie's Halloween II: Because once just wasn't enough, the Hellbilly Deluxe himself returns to crap all over horror fans with a terrible sequel to his blasphemous remake.
Sextette: Mae West is over Eighty and still acting like Mae West. ICK!
A Sound of Thunder: A movie that achieves new lows in needlessly complex and nonsensical time travel plotting, brought to life with the worst CGI in recent memory.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Coming Out of Their Shells: The heroes on the halfshell have to battle The Shredder and Baxter Stockman to save the world for cheesy rock and roll in this unfathomable concert event.
The Spirit: Frank Miller's Epic Fail rapes my soul for your amusement.
Under Siege: Part Five of Steven Seagal Month transplants Die Hard to a boat and sucks the life out of it in the process. Still the man's biggest hit, though!
Viva Rock Vegas: This Flintstones prequel is a big ol' Yabba Dabba Don't.
Warrior of the Lost World: Part Two of Post-Apocalypse month was also the finale, a film so awful that it broke me for months to come.
Whiteout: This Antarctic serial killer (so-called) thriller quite literally stinks on ice.
Atop the Fourth Wall... Dot Com
3 years ago